As a rule, I take to things very slowly, very deliberately. I research, I plan, I prepare, so that when I make a change, I'm comfortable with it, I'm ready. Back in April of 2007, long after most of the online group I chatted with had gone to high speed internet and updated computers, I was still running Windows 98 on dial up. For years I looked at a small SUV, and thought it would be something I liked. Every so often, people in chat would ask if I'd gone out looking for that car yet, and I'd say, no, I'm not ready. After my old car which worked like a real charm was 10 years old, I was finally ready and in 2004 I bought my Rav4. The move to my condo was even more deliberate -- something I'd worked on for 11 years. Yet within a matter of a year or possibly less, I've made a decision that has profoundly changed my life -- and I don't think I'm ready for this.
It's been just over a week since I've brought Rainy into my life and especially in the last few days I've wondered if I have let my heart overrule my head. I read about pugs, I followed many pug blogs, I had some idea what to expect, but it feels as if I'd known with my heart but not knowing with my head, too. The first few days I had her here I was trying to get a potty routine down since I knew that was the issue with her and we've seemed to have succeeded on that front. But now I want to live my life, do the things I used to do that I haven't done for at least the last couple of weeks, in getting the things I needed for Rainy and in bringing her home and having her here for the first week. I want to go out to the library for hours and read and do research. I want to run my errands and not worry that I'll be stuck in traffic and get home late. I want to go away on weekends and not have it cost a bloody fortune to travel and have someone take care of her. I want to be able to drive to Florida and not worry about leaving her in the car when I have to make a bathroom stop. I want the option of laying in bed and getting up whenever I feel like it at least a couple days a week. I had thought out being a pug mom with my heart, but not with my head. I didn't plan and get ready for the reality of what she would bring. And I don't think I'm ready for this.
So I'm conflicted. And I don't know what to do. I know other people can do this, but as my family knows, I'm not always "other people." Mostly yesterday and this morning, I've been thinking about what to do and feeling very unsure about my life as it now stands. Is it possible to live my life, the way it was, the way I want it to be, with her here? And if not, do I admit defeat and return her? My head says I'm so not ready for this, that I really hadn't thought this out very well, that I've made a major mistake. And at the same time, my heart says Rainy deserves better than to be returned yet again, she deserves her forever home and if I returned her now, there would be a hole, because she would take a little piece of me with her.
I'm not asking for advice, because every situation is different. I just wanted to get this down, to get my feelings written out so that maybe in the coming week I can look at them, and dig deep inside to try to figure out what to do, what's right for me and what's right for Rainy. I talked to a family member in Florida last night and I felt momentarily better - I think it's hard trying to do this on my own, without the support here of family and friends and that is only adding to my apprehension and anxiety. I only know I have to live my life, even if it means crating Rainy when I'm gone and not worrying about it, because it's not healthy for me to have my life revolve around her so completely. Maybe I did the wrong thing in getting a pug. Maybe a less velcro dog would have been better. All I know for sure is that it feels like I made a mistake, that I got in over my head. I am trying to tell myself that it's only been a week, that she's made major strides in just this week, especially with potty. But right now I'm conflicted, I don't know how I feel, I don't know what to do and I was unsure about even posting this. I guess for now I will have to try to get parts of my life back, pray on this for guidance and try to live with this for now as best I can.
Silent Sunday 6/25 — Contemplation
3 hours ago